Relationships

Sledding Down the Slippery Slope.

When you were a kid did you ever sit at the top of a sledding hill that looked like it was a gazillion feet high? And did you and your friends have a harrowing name for it like dead man’s hill?

We did. The first time I saw it I think it almost blocked out the sun. As we began the walk to the summit I thought this is the biggest hill I have ever seen. As far as I was concerned, if I was sledding down dead man’s hill I might as well be heliskiing (being dropped out of a helicopter while on skis). I was surely going to DIE!

But you know what? My Dad offered to go down with me and I thought, if my Dad goes with me it will be scary but I am going to be okay. I am not going to die.

So we are flying down dead man’s hill, me and my dad and it is the scariest thing I have done in my young life. Yet somehow, strangely, when we got to the bottom I asked him to go with me again and again.

Have you ever been back to your own “dead man’s hill” as an adult? I have. I was shocked! IT ISN’T THAT BIG! I will tell you it isn’t nearly as big and as scary as I thought it was. Sliding down it doesn’t even approach heliskiing any more than my son’s old race track resembles Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

That’s why when I saw Rachel Held Evens post this morning (READ IT HERE) I knew I needed to pull out my sled and invite you to fly down the slippery slope with me and Jesus. Yes the slope is big, sometimes it is icy but together with Jesus we won’t be in any danger. In fact, we might have some fun on the way. Sure our knuckles may be white from holding on and our voices may be hoarse from screaming on the way down. But when we reach the bottom and fall in a heap breathless we will look back up at it and realize that “dead man’s hill” isn’t really going to kill us. Heck it just might bring us closer to where we always wanted to be.

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Pray Away the Gay?

Today’s post is dedicated to every boy, girl, man or woman who has ever attempted to “pray away the gay.” I am sorry. I am sorry that anyone ever made you think that God didn’t love you JUST. LIKE. YOU. ARE.
This post has been coming all week. I apologize in advance for its length.
First I saw a picture on Facebook that was posted by a friend…

The caption said: A Christian group shows up to a Chicago Gay Pride parade holding apologetic signs including “I’m sorry for how the church treated you”.

This is a beautiful thing.

As the week progressed, I came across an amazing blog post in Rachel Held Evans‘ Sunday Superlatives called, A Mountain I’m Willing to Die On by Glennon Melton.” (You can read the whole post here.)

Part of the post was about how kids model what adults say and do and that we as adults and parents have to do better if we ever expect bullying to stop. But the second half was a letter to her son who is still just a little guy. It reads:

Dear Chase,

Whoever you are, whoever you become. You are loved. You are a miracle. You are our dream come true.

Chase, here is what would happen in our home if one day you tell your father and I that you are gay.

Our eyes would open wide.

And we would grab you and hold you tighter than you would be able to bear. And while we were holding you we would say a silent prayer that as little time as possible passed between the moment you knew you were gay and the moment you told us. And that you were never once afraid to tell us. And we would love you and ask you one million questions and then we would love you some more and finally, I would likely rush out to buy some rainbow t-shirts, honey, because you know mama likes to have an appropriate outfit for every occasion.

And I don’t mean, Chase, that we would be tolerant of you and your sexuality. If our goal is to be tolerant of people who are different than we are, Chase, then we really are aiming quite low. Traffic jams are to be tolerated. People are to be celebrated. People, every person, Is Divine. And so there would be celebrating. Celebrating that you would be one step closer to matching your outsides with your insides, to being who you are. And there would be a teeny part of my heart that would leap at the realization that I would forever be the most important woman in your life. And then we would tell everyone. We would not concern ourselves too much with their reactions. There will always be party poopers, baby.

We just wanted you to know this, honey. We’ve worried that since we are Christians, and since we love The Bible so much, that there might come a day when you feel unclear about our feelings about this. Because there are a few parts in The Bible that discuss homosexuality as a sin. So let us be clear about how we feel, because we have spent years of research and prayer and discussion deciding.

Chase, we don’t believe that homosexuality is a sin. Your parents are Christians who carefully choose what we believe and follow in the Bible. Some will tell you that this approach to Christianity is scandalous and blasphemous. But the thing is, honey, that the only thing that’s scandalous about this approach is admitting it out loud. The truth is that every Christian is a Christian who picks and chooses what to follow in the Bible.

Several years ago I was in a Bible study at church, and there was some talk about homosexuality being sinful, and I spoke up. I quoted Mother Teresa and said “When we judge people we have no time to love them.” And I was immediately reprimanded for my blasphemy by a woman who reminded me of 1 Corinthians 6: 9-10. But I was very confused because this woman was speaking. In church. And she was also wearing a necklace. And I could see her hair, baby. She had no head covering. All of which are things that are sooooo totally against the Bible Rules. * And so I just assumed that she had decided not to follow the parts of the Bible that limited her particular freedoms, but to go ahead and hold fast to the parts that limited other people’s freedoms. I didn’t point this out at the time baby, because she wasn’t a bad person. People are doing the best they can, mostly. It’s best not to embarrass people.

What I’m trying to say is that each Christian uses different criteria to decide what parts of the Bible to prioritize and demonstrate in their lives. Our criteria is that if it doesn’t bring us closer to seeing humanity as one, as connected, if it turns our judgment outward instead of inward, if it doesn’t help us become better lovers of God and others, if it distracts us from remembering what we are really supposed to be doing down here, which is finding God in every human being, serving each other before ourselves, feeding hungry people, comforting the sick and sad, giving up everything we have for others, laying down our lives for our friends . . . then we just assume we don’t understand it yet, we put it on a shelf, and we move on. Because all I need to know is that I am reborn. And here’s what I believe it means to be reborn:

The first time you’re born, you identify the people in the room as your family. The second time you’re born, you identify the whole world as your family. Christianity is not about joining a particular club, it’s about waking up to the fact that we are all in the same club. Every last one of us. So avoid discussions about who’s in and who’s out at all costs. Everybody’s in, baby. That’s what makes it beautiful. And hard. If working out your faith is not beautiful and hard, find a new one to work out. And if spiritual teachers are encouraging you to fear anyone, watch them closely, honey. Raise your eyebrow and then your hand. Because the phrase repeated most often in that Bible they are quoting is Do Not Be Afraid. So when they tell you that gay people are a threat to marriage, honey, think hard.

I can only speak from my personal experience, but I’ve been married for eight years and barely any gay people have tried to break up my marriage. I say barely any because that Nate Berkus is a little shady. I am defenseless against his cuteness and eye for accessories and so he is always convincing me to buy beautiful trinkets with our grocery money. This drives your sweet father a bit nuts. So you might want to keep your eye on Berkus. But with the exception of him, I’m fairly certain that the only threats to my marriage are my pride and anger and plain old human wanderlust. Do not be afraid of people who seem different than you, baby. Different always turns out to be an illusion. Look hard.

Chase, God gave you the Bible, and He also gave you your heart and your mind and I believe He’d like you to use all three. It’s a good system of checks and balances He designed. Prioritizing can still be hard, though. Jesus predicted that. So he gave us this story. A man approached Jesus and said that he was very confused by all of God’s laws and directions and asked Jesus to break it down for him. He said, “What are the most important laws?” And Jesus said, “Love God with all your heart, mind and soul, and love others as yourself.” ** When in doubt, Chase, measure all your decisions and beliefs against that. Make damn sure that you are offering others the same rights, courtesies, and respect that you expect for yourself. If you do that, you can’t go wrong.

Chase, you are okay. You are a child of God. As is everyone else. There is nothing that you can become or do that will make God love you any more or any less. Nothing that you already are or will become is a surprise to God. Tomorrow has already been approved.

And so baby, your father and I have only one specific expectation of you. And that is that you celebrate others the way we celebrate you. That you remember, every day, every minute, that there is no one on God’s Green Earth who deserves more or less respect than you do, My Love.

“He has shown you what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” ***

 Love, Mama

PS. We thought we should mention, honey, that if you’re straight, that’s okay too. I mean, it’d be a little anti-climactic now, honestly. But your father and I will deal.

PPS. All of the above holds true if you are overweight or Muslim too. No problem on either count.

PPPS. As daddy read this essay, I watched his gorgeous face intensify. He teared up a little. Then he slammed the letter down on the kitchen table and said emphatically and without a touch of irony, “DAMN STRAIGHT.”

Which, when you think about it honey, is really the funniest possible thing daddy could have said.

Love you Forever.

It made me cry. It made me cry for people I know from my past like Chase Hutchison from A list Dallas who grew up in a church I used to attend, friends from high school like Seth, Scott & Eddie, people from my church like Cathy & Crystal, people in my extended family like Tracey & Liz and today it helped me learn about my husband’s friend. She saw his post of the previous article on facebook which started a conversation. He knew a little bit of her story so he sent her a private message and asked her if she would be willing to share her experiences. With her permission I share her story here in her own words. I pray you will find it as powerful as I did.

I have been a Christian my whole life. Some of my first memories are of going to church with my family, and the church has remained a frequent source of joy and compassion throughout my life. I have accepted Christ three separate and distinct times, which may sound funny. The first was as a child,probably before I knew much about what it meant. The second was as a 12-year old, when I knew more about what it meant. And the third was as a 28-year old lesbian, when I knew exactly what it meant.

Growing up in a small Texas town that had more churches than gas stations, I frequently sat through sermons about right and wrong. That same town had only one gay person: the junior high P.E. coach (enter cliché here), so homosexuality was a frequent – and easy – topic on which to preach. From the pulpit I heard about “them” being Other…Unacceptable…Fallen. History teaches us little more than that having a common enemy unites. Cheaply, but unites nonetheless. We all want to feel like someone is worse than us. I have done that myself many times…judged others in order to feel less judged myself. It is bullying, and I am ashamed of that.

I was 13 years old when I realized that I was attracted to girls (not all of them, of course). It was not a choice that I made. The biology of the body doesn’t lie (to dispense with the abusive/absentee mother theory: I come from a nonabusive, stable, loving home of two parents (married for 43 years this July) and four children, of whom I am the third). Having been deeply engrained with the idea that homosexuals were unacceptable, I felt absolute and total panic. As I think of it, I can still feel my heart race. But the “I think I’m gay” conversation doesn’t have a place in the Christian world of a young girl, or boy for that matter. Not with my church. Not with my family. Not with my friends.

So I turned immediately to God – a practice that I’m still quite fond of. I started a prayer journal, which I would continue for the next ten years. I would ask God to “take it away from me,” and to “fix me.” I even asked God to let me live until I was straight, so that I wouldn’t go to hell. I was too afraid of someone reading the journal to actually write down the issue, but it permeates my prayers. As I read back through those hundreds of pages now, I cry for that girl who felt so alone, so ashamed, so unworthy, and so separated from the Love of God. My sexual orientation consumed my prayer life for years after.

I also immersed myself in the practice of my faith: Bible studies, worship groups, Young Life, Fellowship of Christian Athletes, Sunday School, everything. If I get close enough to God, I can’t still like girls, right? I also lived the life I sought after so desperately. I dated boys, kissed boys, and ultimately married one. My mantra was some version of “fake it ‘til you make it.” And I believed that would work. I was taught that it would.

In 2006, three years into my marriage, I got sick. Quite sick. I was having panic attacks several times a week, was depressed, and was working 17-hour days to keep myself from being at home. All still while praying and attending church constantly. It was as though the secret I had been keeping for all those years became too much to keep down. It was like a poison. I finally decided to tell my husband that I was attracted to women. Around the same time, I told my family. I should have told them earlier, but I was afraid. And that is my fault, not theirs.

My husband and I prayed and cried and turned to our church for help. We believed that prayer and support would provide a way out of it. But our church’s solution was some version of “pray away the gay,” and I was confident that was not going to work (see prayer journal for the prior 13 years, though we nonetheless continued to pray that I would be “healed”). Committed to staying together, we experimented with unconventional marital arrangements, none of which worked. After three years of hope, my husband and I divorced in 2009. He has forgiven me for it all, and he remains the most Godly man I have ever known. His love, support, and compassion are a constant reflection of God’s love for me, and – while he has had his own struggles with the situation – he remains one of the two great earthly loves of my life. And God has forgiven me as well.

While my marriage came undone, something else happened. With every honest word I spoke about myself, I got better. And not only did I get better, my faith transformed from a judgmental expression of failed expectations into one of compassion, love, hope, and grace. And through that I have realized that the separation from God I felt for all those years was my fault, because I let something come between me and Christ’s Love. Now I know that nothing…nothing…nothing can come between me and the Love of Christ. I only wish that fewer churches taught that something could…that some things do.

From the scriptural perspective, my best answer is that a condemnation of homosexuality in the Bible is a reflection of the time in which it was written, and that it needs to be interpreted with some acknowledgement of human rights progress. It’s also worth noting that Jesus, in His Sermon on the Mount, was far more concerned with sins of the heart than sins of the flesh. But the reality is that if homosexuality is a sin, then I am a sinner. And even if homosexuality is not a sin, I am still a sinner. I cannot change who I am attracted to. Believe me, I tried. I wept and prayed and tried and wept and prayed and tried. So far, God has seen it fit to leave me and love me just as I am. And so I am not afraid of it anymore…not ashamed of it…and it is no longer a secret. I am gay, and God loves me. I have Christ to thank for that.

Now I am in a committed relationship with my partner of several years. We pray together, worship together at a wonderful church in which we can hold hands during communion and not be judged, and ask God together to bless and guide our family. God hears our prayers, and we feel His peace in our hearts.

I listen frequently to the Church v. Gays battle that goes on in cities and churches all over the country. I feel like screaming “I am gay AND a Christian AND conservative!” But what I find is that’s too much for people to understand, which I completely appreciate because it was too much for me to understand for
28 years of my life.

The response from many of my life-long friends was difficult. Soon after word got out that I was gay, I started to receive emails from people urging me to “repent,” to “seek the Church,” and to “turn back to Christ.” Most of them were replete with scripture and ended with “I’m praying for you.” The obvious assumption was that I had given up my faith in favor of my sexual orientation, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have done my best to respond with love even when I’ve felt judged and rejected. During a moment of wanting to be understood, I asked a friend: “What would you do if you had a physical reaction to another man?” His response: “I would kill myself.” That was the church talking. Not God. And I realized things were even worse than I had thought. Only one person has ever asked me how my faith relates to my sexuality. Everyone else assumed it didn’t.

I share my story because I think of that boy or girl who, sitting in church this Sunday loving God, is attracted to the same gender and feels ashamed…scared…separated from God. Though surrounded by Christians who are the best in the world at loving, he or she will probably not find acceptance or compassion. It is more likely that he or she will find at atmosphere of rejection, unacceptability, and a “let’s pray that you change” attitude. And that makes my heart ache, having spent 28 years wondering how God could love me if I am gay. We can do better. We all need the grace of Christ to be acceptable in God’s sight. If you’re ever looking for that grace, you can find it under my feet, in my arms, and stamped across my heart. I pray that every person has a moment in his or her life at which it is realized that all of us sin and fall short of the Glory of God. That’s not just a line; we really do.

In the words of Ms. Melton, I want every gay person to know that “They are loved as they are. Without a single unless.” By me and by God.

How to Get the Right Guy to Like You? Really???

Doesn’t this whole thing ENTIRELY miss the point?  It makes me want to sit my 9 year old daughter down tonight and say, “The goal of your life is NOT to get the “right guy” to like you.”

Sadly, I think that many people in and out of the church miss this point entirely.

The point, young women, is this:

1. Your worth as a woman is not about what kind of guy you can get to like you.

2. It is not your responsibility to “get a guy to respect you.”  It is your responsibility to be a woman of character. This does not guarantee men will respect you. Trust me.

[Ironic, in the video he says your self worth shouldn’t come from any guy you date when the whole video is about getting the “right guy” to like you.]

3. Be educated. About everything. Know your God, know your body, learn everything you can about every subject that interests you and many that don’t.

[I am totally for learning about what my husband likes and finding out why he likes it, but the video implies that guys like (and girls don’t like) things such as call of duty and football and only girls like shopping (I personally know people of both genders who disprove this type of thinking including my husband who likes football & shopping and not CoD).]

4. Don’t let your dreams be limited by your anatomy.

[a penis should not be required  for entry into any profession, vocation or discussion]

5. Your “highest calling” (I am not exactly sure what this means) may or may not be motherhood. It is rather becoming all that God created you to be. Which may include being a mother.

6. Go after life with gusto.

[in spite of the fact that some may call you pushy, domineering or worse]

7. Don’t even consider a man that doesn’t consider you his spiritual and intellectual equal.

8. Men have self control just like women do. They are responsible for their own sexual sins. We are equal in the eyes of God.

[Many simultaneously and erroneously believe that women are both the source of all sexual sin and somehow the gender that possesses the self control and even has the responsibility to say no to sex.]

9. Playing “hard to get” is a game and it is manipulation. Don’t play games in your relationships. Be honest, say what you feel. You don’t have to play “hard to get” to get the right guy to like you.

[Do you know what it means to play hard to get? http://www.wikihow.com/Play-Hard-to-Get%5D

10. Become a woman you would love to have as a friend, be interesting, be educated, be honest and treat everyone with love & respect, including yourself.

Full Speed Ahead.

I read something that made me stop and think this week. While I didn’t agree with every word of the article it really got me thinking. Check this out.

The fact is that, unless you’re a white, Christian, straight male, there’s little to look back to and say “yeah, I was better off back then.”…To call for a return to the good old days is, in some ways, a marginalization of those for whom history has meant progress. For the majority of Americans today, turning back the clock means losing ground, acceding power or opportunity and returning to a time of greater imbalance and division.

BAM! I never thought of this before, at least not in so many words. How is that possible? I tend to be a glass half full kind of gal. I find this statement while incredibly sad also to be a call to action and a statement that fills me with hope. It not only means we have made progress to this point but also that we can and must do even better. We must ensure that as my friend Stephen is fond of saying, the best is yet to come.

Which brings me to some practical points from the week regarding the advancement of women beginning with an article from the Los Angels Times called, Gender equity: Doing the math. It discusses a new study which found, “When girls do better in society, both sexes benefit. Gender equity is good for everybody…And boys and girls are becoming more equal, globally, in math performance”. The most surprising outcome of the study was “that the more equal the societies were around gender, the better everybody did in math”. This is a phenomenal thing. For years people have looked at women’s education and women’s advancement as a negative for boys, men and the family. The argument has been made that as girls have increasingly been brought into the educational establishment that the boys and men have suffered. However, as God originally intended, humanity working as a whole (male & female) means that women’s education and advancement is a win-win for both genders.

People have also looked at scientific history which assumed that men are better at math as a function of their genes since they consistently perform better as a gender in math and the sciences; however this study seems to suggest that men are better simply because societies have historically favored men in every area including education. God’s order of equality set out in the Genesis story (incidentally, I am not a new earth Creationist. I have not decided exactly what I am, but that is a post for another day. Rest assured, what I believe includes God and Science] and Galatians 3 lays out the precedent for the findings of this study. We are better together. The more gender equity in the society the better math scores are for BOTH genders.

Ah, but what about the family? What about the fabric of society? What about the children?

Just last week before our trip to Mexico I read an article while preparing to deliver the message at Novitas (listen to the podcast here). I didn’t end up using the information in the message but it turns out it is very useful here, Yay! The article was published by The Economist and is called, Women in the workforce: The importance of sex. In it the author states:

Some people fret that if more women work rather than mind their children, this will boost GDP but create negative social externalities, such as a lower birth rate. Yet developed countries where more women work, such as Sweden and America, actually have higher birth rates than Japan and Italy, where women stay at home. Others fear that women’s move into the paid labour force can come at the expense of children. Yet the evidence for this is mixed. For instance, a study by Suzanne Bianchi at Maryland University finds that mothers spent the same time, on average, on childcare in 2003 as in 1965. The increase in work outside the home was offset by less housework—and less spare time and less sleep.

What is clear is that in countries such as Japan, Germany and Italy, which are all troubled by the demographics of shrinking populations, far fewer women work than in America, let alone Sweden. If female labour-force participation in these countries rose to American levels, it would give a helpful boost to these countries’ growth rates. Likewise, in developing countries where girls are less likely to go to school than boys, investing in education would deliver huge economic and social returns. Not only will educated women be more productive, but they will also bring up better educated and healthier children.

This is not a post about working inside versus working outside the home. As far as that goes we all get to decide for ourselves. (Great article on this subject here). My point is simply that the fear that women advancing in society will cause men and children to lose out is simply false. If anything it is a benefit to all.

But what about divorce rates? Don’t they go up when women enter the workforce? According to a New York Times article from 2010:

While it’s widely believed that a woman’s financial independence increases her risk for divorce, divorce rates in the United States tell a different story: they have fallen as women have made economic gains. The rate peaked at 23 divorces per 1,000 couples in the late 1970s, but has since dropped to fewer than 17 divorces per 1,000 couples. Today, the statistics show that typically, the more economic independence and education a woman gains, the more likely she is to stay married. And in states where fewer wives have paid jobs, divorce rates tend to be higher, according to a 2009 report from the Center for American Progress.

And the blurring of traditional gender roles appears to have a positive effect. Lynn Prince Cooke, a sociology professor at the University of Kent in England, has found that American couples who share employment and housework responsibilities are less likely to divorce compared with couples where the man is the sole breadwinner.

The future is bright. There is still work to be done, in hearts, in governments, in marriage, in classrooms. I personally believe God always intended men and women to subdue the earth together. Humanity has always had two sides which together reflect the image of God and we work best and are benefited most when all of humanity works together to lift each other up, prefer the other over ourselves, and let love rule the day. There is a cry in the hearts of humans to be equal, to be free, to have justice, to be loved. I believe that is part of what it means to be fully and truly human. Humanity is made in the image of God.  As Jesus said, the kingdom of heaven is at hand. I choose to live in the kingdom where love, justice, freedom and equity are for all, where everything is made right. It is both already here and yet not here, but I pray the prayer Jesus taught me, “Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” As far as I can tell, I get to be a part of making that happen. That is why, I for one do not want to go back. I want to go forward. Full Speed Ahead!

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Jesus Loves Cosmo Girls.

It’s true, I am a Cosmo subscriber. I read it for the articles on sex. In fact that is pretty much the only reason I buy it. Oh, I might peruse the other pages occasionally looking at the latest fashion trends or hairstyles, but make no mistake I buy it for the sex tips. While I am sure this will shock the sensibilities of some of my readers, I suspect that many other women in the church will be calling me a “fun fearless female” (my fellow Cosmo readers will get the reference). Of course I do not always agree with everything I read in Cosmo, but that is true of almost everything I read. Since I began on this quest a couple years ago to *ahem* actively embrace my womanhood, I have started doing a lot of things to educate myself,  like hosting “let’s talk about sex” nights for the women I know (many of them followers of Jesus) who are longing for friends who are not afraid to talk openly and frankly about sex. I have also started reading lots of books; books about women and their position in society; books about women and their place in the church and ministry of Jesus; books about women and their relationships in marriage, their homes and their workplaces. I am also relatively certain that Novitas was the first church to ever have a Passion Party as a fund raiser for a mission trip. So all you fun fearless females out there, I hope this post encourages you to educate yourselves not only about your sexuality, but also about who you are as a person and as a follower of Jesus. Go ahead, pull out your most recent issue of Cosmo or maybe a copy of Why Not Women? by Loren Cunningham and don’t be ashamed. Be an Ashat Chail (woman of valor)! Sex (within marriage) is a beautiful thing. Education is a beautiful thing. Becoming who you were always meant to be is a very beautiful thing.

Swing Wide the Prison Doors.

It’s freedom for the disillusioned because now we get to enjoy the richness of relationship with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit without any intermediary or filter. I get to follow Jesus, not you. I get to be part of community that is rich and full. This flattened hierarchy thing that freaks so many people out? It’s actually pretty awesome.

This disillusionment pushed me away from revering you or heroes of the faith or mystics or doctrine purveyors or models or churches. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still wanting to learn from all of you. But it drove me to the true example, the true Shepherd, the true Father. In this new world, I can embrace you as a true man – or woman – after God’s own heart, flawed, moving forward as we all are towards our true renewed selves with open hearts to God.

Now, when I hear of you falling or a few skeletons in your closet, my heart is free to break for you and your own need for our Abba. I’m no hypocrite and my turn may be coming. I can make my response this time all about you, to love you, to be there for you, no judgements, only grace and second chances – imagine that.

As disillusionment spreads – and clearly, it is spreading – I wonder if it spells freedom for you.

Today one of the bloggers I read regularly, Sarah Bessey who blogs at Emerging Mummy, penned these words on another blog called Deeper Story. You can read the whole blog post at either of these links.

Her post today makes the assertion that disillusionment with the traditional church leadership model is a good thing. The definition of disillusion is “to destroy the false but pleasant beliefs.” This is a very good and important thing. For so many in the position of lead pastor (or whatever your particular flavor of christianity calls the “lead dude (usually) in charge), the job that most originally seek out because they feel the call of God or because they want to help people, soon becomes a prison.

A prison not made of bars of steel, but judgement, perfectionism, unrealistic expectations and a plethora of other ungodly expectations. In a survey of pastors by Barna, they found:

  • 1500 pastors leave the ministry each month due to moral failure, spiritual burnout, or contention in their churches.
  • 50% of pastors’ marriages will end in divorce.
  • 80% of pastors feel unqualified and discouraged in their role as pastor.
  • 50% of pastors are so discouraged that they would leave the ministry if they could, but have no other way of making a living.
  • 80% of seminary and Bible school graduates who enter the ministry will leave the ministry within the first five years.
  • 70% of pastors constantly fight depression.
  • Almost 40% polled said they have had an extra-marital affair since beginning their ministry.
  • 70% said the only time they spend studying the Word is when they are preparing their sermons.

The system is broken. I agree with Sarah. Disillusionment with this system is a good thing. No, a Godly thing. No one man (or woman) should be given that much power, or have that much pressure placed on them. It is impossible to live up to. In her recent post, Dear Pastor, Tell Us the Truth, Rachel Held Evans wrote a letter that holds the key to swing wide the prison doors for pastors and their families…TRUTH.

Tell us the truth.

Tell us the truth when you don’t know the answers to our questions, and your humility will set the example as we seek them out together.

Tell us the truth about your doubts, and we will feel safe sharing our own.

Tell us the truth when you get tired, when the yoke grows too heavy and the hill too steep to climb, and we will learn to carry one another’s burdens because we started with yours. 

Tell us the truth when you are sad, and we too will stop pretending.

Tell us the truth when your studies lead you to new ideas that might stretch our faith and make us uncomfortable, and those of us who stick around will never forget that you trusted us with a challenge.

Tell us the truth when your position is controversial, and we will grow braver along with you.

Tell us the truth when you need to spend time on your marriage, and we will remember to prioritize ours.

Tell us the truth when you fail, and we will stop expecting perfection.

Tell us the truth when you think that our old ways of doing things need to change, and though we may push back, the conversation will force us to examine why we do what we do and perhaps inspire something even greater.

Tell us the truth when you fall short, and we will drop our measuring sticks.

Tell us the truth when all that’s left is hope, and we start digging for it.

Tell us the truth when the world requires radical grace, and we will generate it. 

Tell us the truth even if it’s surprising, disappointing, painful, joyous, unexpected, unplanned, and unresolved, and we will learn that this is what it means to be people of faith.

Tell us the truth and you won’t be the only one set free.

Love,

The Congregation

Invitation to Dance.

So you think you can dance – Fix you – Robert & Allison from Laura U on Vimeo.

Ever see a dance so sad and beautiful and painful that it made you cry?

This morning my friend Kris Irvin posted the following as his status.

I’m a Christian, I love Jesus, but I am not alright. I am sick of the facade. I am disgusted at what “christianity” has made me think that I have to be. I hear songs about God turning mourning into dancing, about him taking away all of our pain and sorrows. It just isn’t true. Is it possible, yes, but not the norm. I don’t want to be emotionless, I want to cry, I want to hurt, I want pain, these things are real to me. I also want joy, peace, comfort. I want to be human, because God made me human. He gave me these emotions and I want to embrace them. No one wants their parents to tell them to stop crying when they are in pain and hurting, they want them to hold them close. I want God to hold me close.
Shit happens and let’s be honest, life NEVER seems fair, and I don’t want to act like it is. No more facade, no more smiles to hide the pain. I embrace what God has made me and I hold onto the fact that sometimes it isn’t just going to be all better right away.
And when sorrow can’t rejoice, he holds me close.

This is truth. Naked, beautiful, honest, ugly truth.

Shortly after I read his post The CBE Scroll arrived in my inbox. It said in part:

God tells us that when we want an accurate picture of himself, we should look at his Son whom he sent as a tangible representation of Divinity; transcendence made flesh; God made human. In Scripture, I find that Christ was moved deeply by feeling. He was filled with compassion, love, loyalty, hope, and sometimes even righteous anger. Christ’s emotions moved him to be surrounded by the sick, the dirty, and the poor. His emotions led him to wash his friends’ feet, and weep when his friend Lazarus died. He told us to love one another, act with compassion, to be merciful. Christ was anything but a numb, distant, and “thick skinned” leader. Christ felt things, and he felt them deeply.

Years ago, at a workshop which is now called The Encounter, Derek Watson said, “Why do you laugh in the face of what sorrow brings?”
It is a brilliant question. I learned later that Derek was actually quoting the great Bob Dylan in his song, What Good Am I. The last verse says,

What good am I if I say foolish things
And I laugh in the face of what sorrow brings
And I just turn my back while you silently die
What good am I?

You can read the lyrics or listen to the full song here.

When I was in theater in high school, our teacher Mr. Avery (or just Avery, as we used to call him) would remind us that when things were particularly sad or tense or difficult not to be surprised when the audience laughed. Why is that do you suppose? Is it our mask, is it our upbringing, or is it just the voice in our head that calls us weak?

In Romans 12:15, Jesus asks us to rejoice with the rejoicing and weep with the weeping. He asks us to entwine our hearts with those around us so that they beat to the same music.  So that the music of life, the rise and fall, rise and fall of the driving happy beats and the sorrowful moans of the cello become the soundtrack by which we live and breathe. And when “sorrow can’t rejoice, he holds [us] close.” We need to allow our feet to move to the beat of the music of the heart we are entwined with and allow our arms to encircle our brother or sister who in their sorrow just simply needs to be held and know they are not alone.

Jesus, Kris and Dylan, thank you for the invitation to dance.

Tattoo

I have often thought if I were going to get a tattoo it would be words, just words. Words are amazingly, shatteringly, stunningly powerful, playful, hurtful, inspiring things. The problem with tattoos is they are painful and I don’t like pain. And they are permanent, and frankly I think I would end up changing my mind. But, if I were getting a tattoo for today to put into words my motto for the year, it would say, “Aishet Chayil”.  Which means, woman of valor. I will not be making individual resolutions this year. Instead my singular resolution is to to tap in to the dreams God has placed in my heart that I have only begun to discover. To grab on to the corners of life and shake them as Anis Mogjani says in his famous poem. To “shake the dust” off of them and finally believe the resounding beat of my heart that echoes the very words God speaks over me and all my sisters…Aishet Chayil!

So this year, is not about what I will do or what I will have but rather what I will be. I will be strong. I will be courageous. I will be a dreamer. I will be a lover. And in so doing, I will embrace all God has for me. Hang on heart, I am feeling the urge to “shake the dust.”

We Are Not Alone

At the Novitas Sunday gatherings we have been doing corporate readings the last couple months. It connects us to the liturgy of the church and all the followers of Jesus who have come before us and built on His foundation to bring us to this point in history and it connects us to all those who will build on long after we are gone. There have been many creeds written throughout church history. The creed we read yesterday was the newest one we have found and it was originally adopted in 1968 by the United Church of Canada’s 23rd General Council. I want to share it with you because it is the one that has spoken to me the most deeply.

A NEW CREED

We are not alone,
    we live in God's world.

We believe in God:
    who has created and is creating,
    who has come in Jesus,
       the Word made flesh,
       to reconcile and make new,
    who works in us and others
       by the Spirit.

We trust in God.

We are called to be the Church:
    to celebrate God's presence,
    to live with respect in Creation,
    to love and serve others,
    to seek justice and resist evil,
    to proclaim Jesus, crucified and risen,
       our judge and our hope. In life, in death, in life beyond death,
    God is with us.
We are not alone.    Thanks be to God.

At Novitas, we like to say we are a community of people dedicated to loving God and caring for people ALL people. Vital to this is the knowledge that we are not alone. Isn’t that what most of us need? There was a line in the movie Shall We Dance? where Susan Sarandon‘s character says, ”We need a witness to our lives.  There’s a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day.  You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.  Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness’.” This has always stuck with me. I think it is true in marriage and true in the body of Christ. What most of us want is someone who will be there with us through it all. To love no matter what.

We also sang a son called Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North. The chorus goes like this:

One tear in the driving rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that’s all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You’re everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart

The good news is God has not left us alone. He didn’t come to condemn the world but to save it. He didn’t stay far away, he came near. He became one of us so we could be part of him. All of us. He loves all. He loves you. Susan’s character asks, “what does any one life mean? Jesus says, everything. Today he says, your tears will not go unnoticed because I will notice them. I will hold your heart while it breaks. I will be with you forever until ALL things are made right.  Make no mistake, love transforms people.  Love changes the world. Love wins.


			

	
	



			
				


		

		
Some are More Equal than Others
	


		

		
Today I received the latest e-newsletter from Christians for Biblical Equality (subscribe here, current issue here). It is always filled with good informative articles. Also, their quarterly academic journal Priscilla Papers are an amazing resource.


Anyway, as I was reading it over today, I came across a quote from a blog on Red Letter Christians by Jenny Rae Armstrong (read the blog post here) who said,


According to the Centers for Disease Control, one out of every four girls has been sexually molested by the time she turns 14. (Stop for a moment and let that sink in. One in four of our precious little girls.) One in six women has been a victim of attempted or completed rape in her lifetime, and approximately 7.8 million women have been raped by a boyfriend, husband, or significant other. According to estimates from the US Department of Justice, fewer than half of all rapes are reported to the police, and only one out of twenty rapists ever spends a day in jail for their crimes.


What this tells me is that the problem isn’t histrionic shepherdesses crying wolf. Most of them never even make a peep. The real problem is that the flocks are teeming with wolves, and women are afraid to speak up for fear of getting their throats torn out. Liar. Hussy. Shameful. Slut. Everyone will hate you if you tell.


Too often, we’re proving the wolves right.


Friends, sexual harassment is a serious issue. As Christians, we need to stop minimizing these evils and listen carefully to what the victims have to say. Even when it costs us something. Even when it makes us uncomfortable. And rest assured, it probably will.


1 in 4 before 14, 1 in 6 in her lifetime, fewer than half are reported to authorities & only 1 in 20 spends time in jail. And this is in the United States. This got me to thinking about the state of violence against women world-wide. I wasn’t going to post all the numbers but then I couldn’t decide which to cut so here is most of the article available from The United Nations:


Violence against women and girls is a problem of pandemic proportions. Based on country data available, up to 70 percent of women experience physical or sexual violence from men in their lifetime — the majority by husbands, intimate partners or someone they know.


Among women aged between 15 and 44, acts of violence cause more death and disability than cancer, malaria, traffic accidents and war combined. Perhaps the most pervasive human rights violation that we know today, violence against women devastates lives, fractures communities, and stalls development.


It takes many forms and occurs in many places — domestic violence in the home, sexual abuse of girls in schools, sexual harassment at work, rape by husbands or strangers, in refugee camps or as a tactic of war.


Femicide


In the United States, one-third of women murdered each year are killed by intimate partners.

In South Africa, a woman is killed every 6 hours by an intimate partner.

In India, 22 women were killed each day in dowry-related murders in 2007.

In Guatemala, two women are murdered, on average, each day.


Trafficking


Women and girls comprise 80 percent of the estimated 800,000 people trafficked annually, with the majority (79 percent) trafficked for sexual exploitation.


Harmful Practices


Approximately 100 to 140 million girls and women in the world have experienced female genital mutilation/cutting, with more than 3 million girls in Africa annually at risk of the practice.

More than 60 million girls worldwide are child brides, married before the age of 18, primarily in South Asia (31.1 million and Sub-Saharan Africa (14.1 million).


Sexual Violence against Women and Girls


An estimated 150 million girls under 18 suffered some form of sexual violence in 2002 alone.

As many as 1 in 4 women experience physical and/or sexual violence during pregnancy which increases the likelihood of having a miscarriage, still birth and abortion.

Up to 53 percent of women physically abused by their intimate partners are being kicked or punched in the abdomen.

In Sao Paulo, Brazil, a woman is assaulted every 15 seconds.

In Ecuador, adolescent girls reporting sexual violence in school identified teachers as the perpetrator in 37 percent of cases.


Rape as a method of warfare


Approximately 250,000 to 500,000 women and girls were raped in the 1994 Rwandan genocide.

In eastern Democratic Republic of Congo, at least 200,000 cases of sexual violence, mostly involving women and girls, have been documented since 1996, though the actual numbers are considered to be much higher.


Cost of Violence against Women


Domestic violence alone cost approximately USD 1.16 billion in Canada and USD 5.8 billion in the United States. In Australia, violence against women and children costs an estimated USD 11.38 billion per year.


Sexual Harassment


Between 40 and 50 percent of women in European Union countries experience unwanted sexual advancements, physical contact or other forms of sexual harassment at their workplace.

In the United States, 83 percent of girls aged 12 to 16 experienced some form of sexual harassment in public schools.


Church, this should NOT be so. Therefore, it is my commitment to in my corner of the world to say no more. I will encourage women to come forward. I will defend them against those who would call them “Liar. Hussy. Shameful. Slut.” and I will resist the ugly place in my heart that would call them that myself.


There is a concept called synchronicity which is according to dictionary.com, “an apparently meaningful coincidence in time of two or more similar or identical events that are causally unrelated.” I experienced this today when I first saw the Arise Newsletter. I immediately thought of our Novitas life group discussion from last night about helping our community by volunteering at Brighter Tomorrows (a local battered women’s shelter). I am more committed than ever to volunteer at this shelter in some capacity in the coming year. The church must be an agent for change on behalf of women where violence is concerned whenever and wherever possible.


Sadly, the church has a less than stellar record when it comes to its stance on violence against women. Even though (I would hope) most people would say they are staunchly opposed to all violence against women, too often women are told if they would just do a better job of submitting, their husband wouldn’t hit them or emotionally abuse them. Or worse yet, a popular book on submission “Created to Be His Helpmeet” which says on Page 270: [In a discussion of enduring abuse in silence:] “Women who threaten to report him to the law,’… are rebellious. They will never make it to the hall of fame found in Hebrews 11, where Sara was listed, nor will they make it into a heavenly marriage here on earth. They will go to their graves unloved and uncherished, a total failure as the woman God called them to be.” In a book I read last year by J Lee Grady, 10 Lies the Church Tells Women,  he discusses a comprehensive study done in the mid 80’s by clinical psychologist Jim M. Alsdurf (Fuller Theological Seminary) in which 5700 Protestant pastors in the U.S. and Canada were surveyed. The study found:


    

  • 26% said they normally tell a woman who is abused by her husband that she should continue to submit to him “and to trust that God would honor her action by either stopping the abuse or giving her the strength to endure it.”
    • 

  • About 25% said a lack of submissiveness in the wife is what triggered the violence in the first place.
    • 

  • 71% said they would never advise a battered wife to leave her husband or separate because of abuse
    • 

  • 92% said they would never counsel a battered wife to seek divorce.
    • 



Shocking. I have even heard of women who were told that even if their husband’s abuse results in her death that God will reward her for her obedience. Oh, hell no. I think that makes God sick. I just envision him screaming through his tears, “NO! NO! NO!”  I can only hope that these numbers have changed dramatically in the last 30 years. Sadly, it is my fear that they have not. Books continue to come out and people continue to preach doctrines that implicitly if not explicitly teach that women are equal to men in the same way that the pigs in George Orwell’s Animal Farm so eloquently put it, “All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others.”


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