I thought I would make it through this summer without writing a post about modesty/bikinis. I was wrong. (Also, sorry I haven’t written much lately. I have been a little uninspired.)

Recently, the topic of bikinis (and whether your daughter should post a photo to social media in which she is wearing one) has been discussed among a group of my friends.

Here are my thoughts:

1. Personally, I could not care less if my daughter’s private account has pictures of her in her bikini. You can literally see girls in bikinis everywhere you look in the summer, including at my house.
2. I own several bikinis myself and there are likely pictures of me in them somewhere on facebook seeing as I wear one often on vacation, at the waterpark, at swim parties or in my own back yard. I try not to be a hypocrite when setting boundaries with my kids.
3. We try to teach our kids not to be ashamed of their bodies. I wish you wouldn’t teach your kids that my daughter should be ashamed of hers.
4. If I don’t have a problem with my daughter wearing a bikini in public, I should not have a problem with her posting a picture in one at the pool with her friends. A public pool and a public post are not all that different.
5. Boys/men/girls/women can literally see girls in bikinis at any public pool, in advertisements, and at virtually every swim party (unless everyone there subscribes to the same modesty doctrine). Your child has literally already seen hundreds or maybe thousands of women in bathing suits. LIVE AND IN PERSON.
6. If you are worried that your son or someone else’s son (or lesbian daughter – we are inclusive here) will use these images to masturbate, they might. But guess what? They will likely think about whom they are attracted to when engaging in this behavior – bikini photo or no bikini photo. There is literally nothing you can do to stop someone from thinking of a particular person when they are  masturbating. Nothing. Unless of course, you keep them at home and never let another human know they exist. SIDENOTE: Masturbation is actually a healthy and normal part of sexual development.
7. If you don’t want your child to see people wearing bikinis or pictures of people wearing bikinis that is your prerogative; However, it is your responsibility to prevent them from seeing it (good luck with that), not my daughter’s or mine. After all, if it is up to women to prevent themselves from being sexualized, we are all screwed. That is the kind of thinking that leads to women being hidden away at home and discouraged from going out.
8. Every person gets to decide for themselves where their boundaries are, but they are just that, THEIR boundaries. I decide for me. You decide for you.
9. BONUS: I saw a funny post this week about school dress codes. It said something like, “I wore a top with spaghetti straps to my class today at college. Funny, all the guys were somehow able to and expected to learn.”

Since the news of Brock Allen Turner’s horrific actions reached public consciousness and the world reacted in horror to the lack of acceptable consequences, I have seen way too many people react by wishing that while in state custody, Brock would be raped.

Think about that for a minute.

We as a society, as individuals as fellow humans are rightfully outraged at Brock’s actions, his lack of remorse, the defense penned by his father and the sad excuse of a sentence handed down by the presiding Judge. Why is it that then we want to trade the moral high ground that we soundly and wholly possess for blind vengeance? Why, in our pain would we want to become no better than Brock himself?

The answer is, we wouldn’t.

This is certainly not a punishment we would participate in ourselves. No, we want some “criminal” to do it on our behalf. As if wishing for some “degenerate” other to do the dirty work of our twisted brand of justice absolves of guilt because we did not carry out the rape ourselves.

Make no mistake, prison rape is still rape. It is no different just because both parties are convicts. As humans we are either against all rapes or we are for rape under special circumstances. I am against all rape.

Believe me, I am horrified by rape and rape culture (I have written/posted on the topic many times). I am horrified by a system that gives 15 years to a black man for the same charges as well as a system that jails people for much much longer for possessing a small amount of pot. I am outraged when we blame the woman for irresponsible drinking and turn around and use alcohol as an excuse for the man. I am sickened when we ask–– What was she wearing? What is her history? What should she have done to avoid being assaulted? I am incensed when we look for reasons to excuse the perpetrator while searching for reasons to blame the victim for their assault. Make no mistake Brock Turner deserves to be locked up and certainly for a lot longer than 3 months (which is how much of his 6-month sentence he is expected to serve).

B-U-T

When we advocate for someone to be punished in the same violent way (rape, torture etc.) that they inflicted pain on another, we do nothing to make the world a better place. In fact, we simply add on to the misery. I think we do this to absolve ourselves, we do this to avoid the uncomfortable reality that we as a society bear some responsibility for these assaults because we continue to tolerate a culture which is willing to turn a blind eye to the conditions that produce men like Brock Turner. I am hopeful this case and Emily Doe’s statement will be the beginning of a wave of change in this area.

One thing is for sure, making Brock Turner into yet another rape victim is not the answer.

I will leave you with the words of “Emily Doe” the victim of Brock Turner…

“The world is huge, it is so much bigger than Palo Alto and Stanford, and you will make a space for yourself in it where you can be useful and happy. … I fully support your journey to healing, to rebuilding your life, because that is the only way you’ll begin to help others.”

“Right now your name is tainted, so I challenge you to make a new name for yourself, to do something so good for the world, it blows everyone away,” she wrote. “You have a brain and a voice and a heart. Use them wisely.”

That my friends is how we make the world a better place…be more like Emily.

Until we begin to recognize that most rapists are not the “monsters” we imagine.

Until we realize that most rapists are not the ones lurking in bathrooms wearing dresses.

Until we admit that most rapists are not found in white panel vans snatching unsuspecting women as they walk down the street.

Make no mistake, these types of rapists exist. But they are far from the majority.

Most rapists… look like, talk like, work like, go to school like, play sports like, are in plays like, eat snacks like…our sons, our brothers, our friends or the kid next door.

Most rapists are known to the women they rape. Most of them you wouldn’t guess in a million years are rapists by looking at their resumes, box scores, lap times, report cards, wardrobe or faces.

And my friends, that is the problem.

Until we recognize that it is possible for our sons to be the ones who grow up to do these things we will not do what is necessary to educate them.

So have a conversation.

Explain consent. (To your sons AND your daughters – men can be raped too)

Talk about specific situations, including ones involving alcohol (especially one’s involving alcohol).  For example: a drunk partner should be tucked into bed and left alone no matter how horney you are.

Just telling kids they can avoid all this by waiting until they are married to have sex is not enough.

Thinking it would never be your kid is not enough. No one thinks it will be their kid.

I really think these kind of memes and things we say to each other in hard times make things worse and not better.

For example, I can’t very well say this to my friend whose son was born with cancer and has had to live with pain and treatment for his entire eight-year-old life. I would sound like a colossal jerk.

My theory is that they make the person who is not suffering feel better somehow. I think perhaps it gives them a sense of security that they themselves will never be in a similar situation. And that if they are, there will be an easy answer to help them through it.

But, let me tell you, it is a false sense of security.

I am with Tim Lawrence on this one. “Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried.” And the people who help the most, are not the people who give you not-so-easy, non-answers but rather the people who just show up and help you carry them.

Everything Doesn’t Happen For A Reason

by Tim Lawrence

Suddenly this video has started popping up in my feed. At first, I scrolled by it but then, sadly, I watched it. Aside from Mr. Tyler’s beautiful voice and flair for lyrics, I have to say it left me a little pissed off and I am not even a member of the Millennial generation.

That’s right, I am a GenXer. You remember Generation X, we were the ones the boomer’s called the “slackers”. Oh, and the Boomers? Tom Wolfe dubbed the 70’s the “Me Decade” because the Boomers were seen as so spoiled and self-absorbed.

Personally, I hated being labeled and pigeon-holed and stereotyped as a teen and I may hate it even more now. I am guessing when you were a teen/twenty-something, you didn’t want to be belittled either. Here’s the deal, fellow GenXers and people of the previous generations – If you are posting crap like this or making crap like this, YOU are part of the problem when it comes to everyone getting along and loving each other.

CUT IT OUT. Stop it. Please. For the love of God, leave the Millennials the eff alone. Stop projecting your negative attitude on these young adults. You sound like Clint Eastwood in Grand Torino. “You kids get off my lawn!”

I am not going to go into the above song line by line and refute it because that would be a waste of time except to say that the yoga pants wearing, inspirational quote posting, selfie taking, essential oil lady in the second verse sounds eerily similar at least half of the 30-50 something moms I know.

What I will do is link to some articles telling you why Millennials are awesome. I say go get ’em next generation. This GenXer is in your corner and I do believe that you can change the world for the better. Heck, you are already doing it.

The Recession Generation: How Millennials Are Changing Money Management Forever

Here’s an eye-opening statistic: In 2013, 34% of 25- to 32-year-olds held at least a bachelor’s degree, versus 25% of Gen Xers (born between 1965 and 1980) and 24% of Baby Boomers when they were at the same age, according to the Pew Research Center. And despite their greater numbers and the catastrophic job market during the past five years, those Millennial college grads were earning slightly more, in inflation-adjusted dollars, than Gen Xers did at the same age–a median of $45,500 in 2013, versus $43,663 in 1995, Pew calculates.

Why Bashing Millennials is Wrong

Maybe the real problem isn’t this generation — maybe it’s that the rest of us don’t manage them for greatness, for maximum effect. What we often forget is that this generational clash is a timeworn tale. Whatever side of the divide you’re on, it feels new. Yet it happens over and over — say, once a generation. And in the end, the kids will always win.

8 Reasons Why Millennials Actually Kick Ass. We’re Awesome.

We don’t stand for discrimination and push for equality more than any other generation.

Why Millennials are Such an Awesome Generation

When it comes to becoming an entrepreneur, millennials are kicking butt and taking names. Our generation has grown up watching technology transform the way we live which ultimately has shown us that anything is possible. Over half of millennials are interested in starting their own company which makes a lot of sense considering so many companies we love were founded by our generation.³ Some of these include Facebook, Instagram, DropBox, Airbnb, Tumblr, Lyft, NastyGal, Groupon, WordPress, SnapChat, Tinder, and the list goes on.

Six Reasons Millennials Are Actually the Best Workers

Not millennial workers. With the pace of news, communication, and responsiveness nearly instant, that’s how they approach work. They know nothing else. Plus, they have the necessary tools to support them. Give a millennial employee a research assignment on your competitors and you’ll get the project back in 24 hours. Twenty years ago the same project might have taken a month to complete.

Why Millennials Will Be The Generation ‘To Save Us All’

Stein writes that “Gary Stiteler, who has been an Army recruiter for about 15 years, is otherwise more impressed with millennials than any other group he’s worked with. ‘The generation that we enlisted when I first started recruiting was sort of do, do, do. This generation is think, think about it before you do it,’ he says. ‘This generation is three to four steps ahead. They’re coming in saying, ‘I want to do this, then when I’m done with this, I want to do this.'”

Ultimately, millennials believe that they deserve something better, and they’re not afraid to create it themselves — which is why they’re the “most threatening and exciting generation,” ever.

Generation Nice

Taken together, these habits and tastes look less like narcissism than communalism. And its highest value isn’t self-promotion, but its opposite, empathy — an open-minded and -hearted connection to others.

So I say again to all you millennial would be world changers. Go out there and do your thing. This GenXer can’t wait to see you succeed. I am hopeful that you will be uniquely equipped to change the world for the better and finally be the generation who puts a stop to this silliness by encouraging and mentoring the Generation coming up after you.

Spread Love.

This past weekend I got to meet up with my childhood friend and her mother. It was a beautiful time of reconnecting, remembering and being challenged. Both Pat and Christine encouraged me to write as much as I could even if it was just a daily musing.

That being said, I have a proclamation to make.

I will be trying out a new format in which I share with you my daily musings (shorter versions of what I typically write) and then mix in a longer post when the mood strikes.

Well, here goes nothing…

What is it with the evangelical world that when they find out some moderately famous person (i.e. Chewbacca mom, [who is hysterical btw] or Chip and Joanna Gaines, etc.) is one of them (a Christian) they suddenly become a hero to all Christians? Why are they able to overlook any possible sins (gluttony perhaps, or lust, or gossiping) in an effort to claim a famous person for Jesus? Listen I am all for grace. I think it extends much further than most Christians. But it seems to me most Christians are only interested in extending grace to people who “sin like me”. Meaning, I will give grace on sins I understand or sins I personally struggle with.

I think John Pavlovitz is my spirit animal. He has written several brilliant articles recently that just made me stand up and cheer. Do yourself a favor and click through to his blog and hit the follow button. You can thank me later.

The Christian Myth of America’s Moral Decay

My two cents: In my experience most of the time when people are pedaling fear and screaming that the sky is falling, they are usually trying to control people. There is not a lot of control or power you can exert over people when you are simply preaching love.

Reminds me of the scene from the last HOC episode. Frank and Claire discuss and embrace the politics of fear. “We can work with fear.”

[SPOILER ALERT]

If you want to see more about how this has happened via the creation of the religious right and the Christian Coalition, watch this video from Frank Schaeffer’s interview for Full Frontal with Samantha Bee …

We BE the people.

I always hear conservatives say they think that taking care of themselves, their neighbors and their communities should be done by churches, individuals, and private charities. I hear it every time I say the government should be in the business of taking care of people, providing healthcare, education and other needed services. They will say, “Well you know, somebody has to pay for that don’t you? Of course I do. Isn’t that the point? They always are saying how the government is us: We the people. We are the government. So I have to ask, why is it wrong to want to pool our resources together as a people to take care of people in a more efficient way? The government taking care of people IS us taking care of people. It is the same thing. We BE the people.

Well, there you go. The musings of my day. Let me know if you like the new format.

I would be willing to bet you have heard this one before:

You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution.

It is my assertion that posting memes like this one when a beloved celebrity dies are a prime example of being part of the problem.

The crazy thing is most of the people I see posting this one are socially liberal people.  People who are generally kind, loving and inclusive. This is none of those things. It is mean. It is part of the problem NOT part of the solution.

This kind of love.

This week Kent and I went to see Sister Hazel at The Grenada Theater in Dallas with a group of friends. The couple on the right was with a group of their friends who were standing right in front of us. The Grenada is the kind of theater where it is 90% standing room so there is nowhere to put your purse or other belongings. This dude in front of his carried his girlfriend’s purse slung across his body messenger bag style for the entire evening. It was clearly not his purse. It was her purse but he held it for her. The whole concert. It was really sweet. They hugged and kissed and swayed and held their hands in the air. It was beautiful. As she said to my friend Nanette when she spoke with them, he doesn’t mind holding my purse, he is very comfortable with who he is.

This kind of love.

The picture on the left is another couple from the concert. They were seated in the assigned seats to the left of us, but I couldn’t help noticing them. They were a lesbian couple and I loved how comfortable and safe they felt out at the concert. Many times I think LGBT couples are reticent to show their affection in a physical way in public because of the fear of judgement. But I think there is something about live music. Something in the sharing of such an intimate event with strangers that can put people at ease. I enjoyed seeing them hold hands, put an arm around each other and even steal a kiss. The way they treated each other had a tenderness about it. It made me happy.

This kind of love.

Today is my parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. 50 years y’all. What an amazing thing. My parents have taught me a lot about marriage and this kind of love. They laugh. They dance. They forgive. They carry. They pursue. They connect. They are equal. They are a team. They give. They are the light in each other’s eye, the strength in each other’s weakness and the epitome of what it means to be better together. I am honored to be their daughter.

Sister Hazel sang a beautiful song Thursday night called This kind of love. I would like to dedicate it to my mom and dad today.

This kind of love is what I want for all of you. For all of us. Because when we all know this kind of love, wars will cease, hearts will be content, everyone will be accepted and the world will be a much better place.

I read an article yesterday detailing the statements of Saudi cleric, Mufti Sheikh Abulaziz Al-Sheikh who was defending the Saudi Arabian ban on issuing driver’s licences to women. He said,

…men with “weak spirits” who are “obsessed with women” could cause female drivers harm and that family members would not know the whereabouts of women.

He is not alone in his assessment. Last year Saudi historian Dr. Saleh Al-Saadoon had a controversial exchange on Saudi Rotana Khalijiyya TV:

Dr Al-Saadoon: “If a woman drives from one city to another and her car breaks down, what will become of her?”

Host:“Well, women drive in America, in Europe and in the Arab world.”

Dr Al-Saadoon:“They don’t care if they are raped on the roadside but we do.”

Host:“Hold on, who told you that they don’t care about getting raped by the roadside?”

Dr Al-Saadoon:“It’s no big deal for them beyond the damage to their morale. In our case, however, the problem is of a social and religious nature.

Host:“What is rape if not a blow to the morale of the woman? That goes deeper than the social damage.”

Dr Al-Saadoon:“But in our case it affects the family…”

Host:“What, society and the family are more important than the woman’s morale?”

Now, you are probably asking yourself what this has to do with Harvard. And no, they have not banned women from driving.

What is happening is that an effort to reduce on campus sexual assault by integrating women into the last of the so-called final clubs at Harvard is underway. The Crimson explains the administration’s reasoning this way:

…citing qualitative and quantitative data, the University’s sexual assault prevention task force sharply criticized male final clubs for a high prevalence of “nonconsensual sexual contact.” Among undergraduate female seniors “participating in the Final Clubs”—including women who attend male final club events and seniors who are members of female final clubs—47 percent reported having experienced “nonconsensual sexual contact,” according to a University-wide sexual climate survey.

For the first time in recent memory, the Porcellian Club (Harvard’s oldest final club) felt this was a good time to break their silence to defend themselves against being forced to [GASP] go co-ed. While there may be benign reasons for wanting a single gender club and while in his letter to The Harvard Crimson, graduate board president Charles M. Storey (Class of ’82) enumerated some of these points, he also could not help but unwittingly echo the statements of the men mentioned above.

In his letter, Mr Storey opined, “Forcing single gender organizations to accept members of the opposite sex could potentially increase, not decrease the potential for sexual misconduct.” Apparently, Mr. Storey feels that integrating clubs like theirs will INCREASE the possibility that these women will be sexually assaulted. This directly contradicts another of Mr. Storey’s points. Namely, that “Sexual misconduct is absolutely unacceptable in all its forms but it is not an issue at the Porcellian Club.” Interestingly, the club already has a members only policy at its clubhouse which, in Storey’s words, “greatly reduce[s] the potential for sexual assault.”

Well, which is it? They do or do not have an issue with sexual misconduct? It seems to me that if the only way to ensure women are not assaulted is to keep them out of the club and even out of the clubhouse entirely you certainly have an issue. Or maybe he is trying to say that sexual misconduct is only not an issue because there are no women members and no women guests?

Sound familiar?

Let’s see if I have this right: Not allowing women to drive in Saudi Arabia keeps them from being sexually assaulted in the same way that not being admitted as members (or as guests) of the Porcellian Club at Harvard keeps women from being sexually assaulted. It doesn’t guarantee that they won’t be but it definitely “reduce(s) the possibility for sexual assault”.

Thank you so much for thinking of us gentlemen.