Marriage

365: looking forward to 2013

mapWell, I did it. A whole year of blogging. It has been quite a ride let me tell you. 2012 was at once an amazing year of greatness and a year of painful loss; for example this year I celebrated 25 years of marriage to my amazing best friend and this year we buried his Dad.  What a dichotomy.

As you may or may not have noticed (I like to think that at least some of you noticed) I have not done much writing in the last several weeks. Believe me it hasn’t been for lack of material or ideas but rather because life has been a bit on the full side. It is funny and I never would have believed I would say this before starting this blog on a complete whim…but I missed writing. A LOT.

I would like to close out the year by saying thank you to all of you who have read and commented, subscribed and shared and liked my Facebook page. You have turned what was a little spark of an idea into something beyond what I would have imagined. Because of you the site has reached 32,945 page views and has been seen in 152 countries! Holy crap!!

You have also made 794 comments and shared my page 348 times. Thank you.

This year I wrote 110 posts covering politics, religion, sexuality, equality, art, science, poetry and lots of personal stuff.

Here are your top 20 posts by number of page views:

  1. God and Homosexuality: Parts 6 and 7 – Pornoi, Arsenokoitai and Malakoi
  2. Pray Away the Gay?
  3. What is Traditional Marriage Anyway?
  4. God and Homosexuality: Part 1
  5. So She Did. A Word of Encouragement to Women…and Men.
  6. God and Homsexuality: Part 4 – “Eunuchs Who Have Been So From Birth”
  7. Why I Love Being a Woman
  8. Why Do Christians Curse the Silence?
  9. Dear John Piper, Would You Like a Ride on my Toboggan?
  10. Today My Daughter’s World Changed and It Broke My Heart
  11. If all are Martha Stewart where is Amelia Earhart?
  12. Sometimes I Grow Weary of the Fight
  13. Homosexuality and God: Conclusion
  14. Memes the Word.
  15. Raped Too Much?
  16. Boys Will Be Boys?
  17. The Closest Friends I’ve Never Met and an Unladylike Manifesto
  18. I Choose Chow Fun’s
  19. Your Existence Gives me Hope
  20. Why I’m Voting for President Obama  (a guest post by my awesome husband)

I am also going to include here some links for posts you may have missed that I think you may want to revisit (as they say on American Idol, “In no particular order.”).

Here is to the next year my lovelies and here’s to you. May it be our best year yet.

Just me and Dad.

My father-in-law and I only ever did one thing completely on our own. We went shopping for lingerie. Now there is a statement that just begs for an explanation.

A few years ago Mom and Dad came to visit us in Thousand Oaks for the holidays. Shortly after their arrival my father-in-law pulled me aside and with a twinkle in his eye he asked me if I would help him buy a very special gift for my mother-in-law. Of course I agreed and later that week we made up some reason to go out and we went to the mall. Now, if you knew Kent you would know that shopping was NOT his favorite thing to do and shopping for women’s clothes was certainly among his least favorite things to shop for. And, well, shopping at the mall on the week of Christmas? Now that was unheard of.

I had never seen him like this before. Jean had recently lost a lot of weight and he was so proud of her that he wanted to buy her something very special. He kept reiterating to me that he had never bought anything like this before and that it had to be just the right thing. We went to several stores. He was serious about making a thorough search. Our shopping eventually led us to the mecca of lingerie – Victoria’s Secret. Now Dad was not out to buy mom something that he thought he would like to see her in, he was out to buy something for her to make her feel special. He selected a lovely nightgown and a satin robe. It was beautiful and he decided it was perfect. My father-in-law was not known for being showy. But that day he wanted the full effect. He wanted the metallic pink striped gift box, the pink tissue paper and the gift bag. When we arrived back at our condo, we left the bag in the trunk of the car. We waited for our moment when the coast was clear and then we hid the bag in the back, under the tree, behind all the other packages. He wanted it to be a surprise. He wanted it to be last. He wanted her to feel like she was valued and important and beautiful. She is all that.

Today, my Dad and I did something else together. Just me and Dad.

Today I went down to my local Post Office with a little manilla card in my hand. It said I had a registered package that I had not been home to receive yesterday. I waited my turn. The woman working the window motioned for me to come forward. It was my turn. I handed her my card, signed it and she checked my identification. Then she disappeared into the back room. She had to come back and check the card. The next time she came back she was holding a box. She gave it to me and I took it knowing what or rather who was inside. It was a smallish box, brown cardboard like most and I carried it to my car. I got in the car and placed the box on the passenger seat. As I was pulling out of the parking lot I reached over to touch the top of the box.

My father-in-law donated the use of his body to science through a group called Science Care. He and Mom made this decision together as they wanted to help others in death as in life. My father-in-law hoped that with his last act he would be able to contribute to someone else’s healing.

When we got the news that my father-in-law had passed we had just come through security at DFW to wait for our flight to Phoenix as we knew he was not going to be getting better and had been moved to hospice. My husband’s knees buckled and he crumpled to the floor in my arms. I cried with him. I cried for him.

When you give your body to be used for research, they come to get it within 2 hours. My husband and I were not there in time to see his Dad before they came to take his body away. Now I know, that what they came to get, was merely his lifeless body, not him. Not who he is. But nevertheless, it made the whole experience seem even less real and more dream like.

We went to Phoenix; we gathered with the family; we reminisced with friends; we celebrated his life. I cried. I cried for Mom. I cried for Kent. I cried for their friends. I cried for the family. But I still didn’t or couldn’t begin to really mourn like he was gone. It just didn’t seem real. I knew it was. I just couldn’t wrap my head around it.

I touched that box on my front seat. It was real. He was real. He loved me. He took out my trash and fought with my husband and I about whether Lady Gaga has any talent.  He enjoyed a good drink and gave us all funny nicknames and loved to see people enjoy a good meal. He swam in the pool and drank margaritas with us just 2 months ago. He loved to watch sports and he always made sure he was close to the phone every night for his call from Kent. He was strong and loud and quiet and funny and stern and loving and smart and kind and he would have loved that he got a one-way ticket here for just $26.26. “Now that is a good buy,” he would have said.

He was with us, just two and a half weeks ago and now all that was left of him here and now in this time and place was in this box on my front seat. I bawled. No really. I stopped the car and bawled. Snot. Sobbing. Real. 

We drove home. Just me and Dad.

When we got home I carried the box inside. I hugged it. I hugged that damn box and I cried and cried. This was our moment. I NEEDED to open that box. I didn’t want his remains in a shipping box. Why? I don’t know. I opened it. Inside was baby blue wrapping and just under that was a certificate of cremation. On the end of the box it has his name. I bawled again. I carried the box in and placed it gently on my husband’s desk. I am not sure what happens now. Except this.

I had to come and write it down. I guess this is what I do now. It is funny. I never used to do this.

I want to leave you with one last thing my lovelies. Life, it is real, and so is death. Death sucks but love wins. Love wins. Love wins. Love wins. My husband will see his Dad again. My Mom will hold the love of her life again. We will laugh again. We will eat a big ass steak again. What we won’t do with Dad, is cry again. When next I am with you Dad and we get to do something, just you and me, let’s take a walk by the crystal sea, eh? Or maybe sit in the pool and drink margaritas. I wonder if heaven has a swim up bar?

 

Read more here: Cancer, Family & Hope

 

I Choose Chow Fun’s

I heard the awful news this morning that yet another one of my friends is going through the pain of divorce. This was not something my friend wanted. His wife was the one who made the decision. They were together for 25 years between dating and marriage and have two beautiful children together. As my husband was relaying the heartbreaking details we remembered this movie and specifically this scene. Kent and I have been married now for 25 years ourselves, and no, it hasn’t always been easy or full of stars and rainbows. But I will tell you what. This scene describes perfectly how I feel about Kent and about being married.

because we’re an “us.” There’s a history, and histories don’t happen overnight. In  Mesopotamia or Ancient Troy or somewhere back there, there were cities built on top of other cities, but I don’t want to build another city. I like this city. I know where we keep the Bactine, and what kind of mood you’re in when you wake up by which eyebrow is higher. And you always know that I’m a little quiet in the morning and compensate accordingly. That’s a dance you perfect over time.

We are an us. I know Kent and he knows me. We have a dance we have perfected over time. He knows that I suck at confrontation even when it is necessary and I know that when he is frustrated about one thing he will lose it over something completely different. I know that he is amazing with directions and is a good judge of character and he knows that I have good insight into issues and an easy going attitude.

And it’s hard, it’s much harder than I thought it would be, but there’s more good than bad. And you don’t just give up.

Our good most certainly outweighs our bad even though in the rough places it sometimes that is hard to see. But you see, we don’t give up. That is an amazing quality to find in another person. I have known so many people who have found themselves married to a partner who just wasn’t as committed as they were. I am unbelievably thankful to be married to someone who does not see being apart as an option.

And it’s not for the sake of the children, but they’re great kids aren’t they? And we made them – I mean think about that – there were no people there and then there were people – two of them. And they grew. And I won’t be able to say to some stranger, “Josh has your hands,” or “Remember how Erin threw up at the Lincoln Memorial?”

I mean seriously, they are GREAT kids; and Rosalind has his coloring and my sense of humor; and Caedmon has my quirkiness and Kent’s sense of fairness. They are both smart and kind and unique creations. Honestly, who else can say remember when Rozzie cut her head open on the monkey sculpture or Caedmon bashed his teeth in on the bench at Costco?

So what if that stranger listens to me? I mean, Lucas Adler listens but then he always says “between you and I” and it should be “between you and me”, because “between” is a preposition.

You know what, sometimes he tunes me out when I ramble and sometimes I forget things he asked me to do. But I don’t want to be heard by some stranger. I want to be heard by him.

I’ll try to remember that those things can be mildly endearing at times and really not worth not having sex over. And I’ll try to relax. I mean is it the end of the world to have sex when you don’t totally feel like it? There are all kinds of sex, aren’t there? Comfort sex, tender sex, relief sex, “I’m not in the mood, but you are” sex.

Seriously, people don’t talk about it but it is true. The things that bug us, and the petty arguments, are they really reasons not to come back together and love each other in a physical way? There are all kinds of sex in marriage and they are good.

And let’s face it, anybody is going to have traits that get on your nerves, why shouldn’t it be your annoying traits?

Right? Believe me, I have known folks who got divorced and then remarried each other years later when they realized EVERYONE has annoying traits that get on your nerves.

And you’re a good friend and good friends are hard to find. Charlotte in Charlotte’s Web said that and I love the way you read that to Erin – when you take on the voice of Wilbur the pig with such commitment even when you’re bone tired. It speaks volumes about character. And ultimately isn’t that what it comes down to? What a person’s made of at the end of the day?

Kent is my best friend and he is good at it. Is he perfect? No. But his character at the end of the day is one of the very best things about him. He is a fantastic father and my best friend.

Because that pith helmet girl is still in here – “BEE-BOO, BEE-BOO!” And I didn’t even know she existed until I met you. And if you leave, I may never see her again – even though I said at times you beat her out of me – Isn’t that the paradox? Haven’t we hit the essential paradox? Give and take, push and pull, yin and yang, the best of times, the worst of times.

Sometimes the best part of us that our spouse helped us find when we fist met we feel like they also drain out of us. As she said in the movie, isn’t that the paradox? The give and take? The push and pull? We have to remember that at the end of the day, we are on the same team. That the part of ourselves that only our spouse brings out of us and the part of them that we love the most is always right there under the surface. Sometimes it is harder to find, sometimes it get buried under the ruble of so many emotional earthquakes but I am here to tell you that you can find him or her again if you dig through the rubble together.

I mean I guess what I’m trying to say is – I choose Chow Fun’s everyday of my life because I love you Kent Krabill.