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Coming Out of the Church Closet: Bethany’s Story

Bethany has asked to remain anonymous, and I am honoring her request by using a different name.

A while back I wrote a blog post called, Let Me Help You With Your Luggage or Coming Out of the Church Closetin which I asked you this:

I want to hear your stories; Stories of the beautiful and the hurtful; Stories of the pain you couldn’t bear and those who helped you bear it . I need to share your journey from where you have been to where you are going. I want, no, I need to help you carry your luggage and lighten your load. I am anxious to hear the stories of your travels and see the pictures of where you have stopped along the way. I want to know the life lessons you have learned and the ones you are still struggling with. I believe it is through the telling and retelling of the stories of what God is doing and how he is traveling with us, that change people. Through stories our eyes are opened and we understand things that were just abstract to us before. And you, you my lovelies, are not abstract. You are very very real aren’t you? You are people. You are children of God. You are loved and valued beyond what you can imagine. First by God and then by me. So I would like to ask you, would you share yourself with me?

Saturday I very unexpectedly received this email from Bethany M.

hi michelle, found your blog while digging deep into the “i’m gay and a christian” debate. because i am. both gay and a christian. raised in the church (in a loving home with loving/supportive/still-married parents) – i decided to be honest about my sexuality at 24 years-old… and it has absolutely destroyed my family. from shock to anger, denial, harassment and condemnation, their reaction and behavior has been baffling and painful. more painful than anything i’ve ever dealt with to this point.

it all comes down to scripture for them. the “gay” verses in the bible that specifically “assign hell” to “same-sex behavior.” they’ve been used against me, for nearly a year, in every conversation and argument we have.your “pray away the gay” post brought me to tears. i just (this weekend) received a stack of “pray away the gay” books and pamphlets and emails (from extended family too). the cherry on top of my family’s “intervention,” where i was given an ultimatum: “choose us and our familial happiness or choose your alternative lifestyle. you cannot have both. and if you choose to continue in your sin, we refuse to be a part of your life from this day forward.” as someone who’s always been close to my family, it’s the most critical decision i’ve ever been presented. as a child, you expect your parents’ love to be unconditional. and it was my entire life… until i told them i was in love with a woman. and now, i am a dirty, shameful, sexually-perverse sinner in their eyes. to seek truth, i’ve turned to my bible, to scientific studies, to books, to prayer, to everything… because even if i choose my family over my relationship, it would be entirely sacrificial… because they’ve pleaded and begged me to. not because i want to. not because my heart or mind has changed about being in love with a woman. “that’s okay,” they say. “sometimes we have to deny ourselves, our happiness, our selfish desires for the greater good.” and sometimes i wonder if they’re right. maybe they are. maybe i cannot possibly be a christian and be gay. but why don’t i feel condemned? why does this loving, caring relationship with a woman feel healthy, happy and right? if god was displeased with my choice, wouldn’t my spiritual conscience clue me in? “you’re blinded by satan. you’re being deceived. you cannot possibly believe that god accepts your choice.” if they only knew, their responses push me further from the church and further from the fundamentalist principles on which i was raised. because the god i know and serve is a god of love. one in whose image i was created. one who sees my heart and already knows what my future holds. this comes as no shock to him. your series confirms that. at a time when i question my ability to be loved by god – not because i don’t feel worthy, but because my christian family says i’m not – i’ve found answers, backed up by scripture. and above all, a confirmation that i am saved by grace through faith regardless of who i love. so thank you and bless you.
Bethany
As I said in my response to Bethany I wrote that I was both honored and horrified to read her honest and compelling email. I also shared with her something from another former post, When Did I Become Such a Dangerous Woman?
The Scriptures say, as much as it depends on me that I should live at peace with everyone. And I do. But sometimes it does not depend on me. Sometimes the peace comes undone because people do not want to live at peace with me when what I see when I read the scriptures does not match up to what they see. They say I will have to answer to Jesus for every word I have written and spoken. I am ready. I am prepared to stand before the lover of my soul and say that I have tried everything in my power to move people to love God and love each other with no unless. I have not been perfect. I guarantee you I am wrong about some things (as are we all). But I KNOW that what Jesus did is enough to fill the gaps and erase my sin and cover my errors. It is enough for yours too. It is enough for all of ours. As my good friend Sarah said,

I stand outside, in the wilds, banging my pots and pans, singing loud and strong, into the wind and the cold and the heavens, there is more room!There is more room! There is room for all of us! And then I’ll slide right up next to you, I’ll hook my arm through yours, I’ll lean in, I’ll whisper right into your ear, quiet, loud, it will sound like I’m singing or like I’m preaching, and I’ll say, there is room for you.

I like to think Jesus stands out in the field with Sarah and I banging his own pots and pans, singing and yelling and whispering…There is room for Bethany and There is room for you!
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The Afore Promised Vows

So, as you know I have been absent from the blogosphere for a couple of weeks. I am not 100% sure of all the reasons why. Some of them are simple like, I was in Mexico celebrating my birthday and 25th wedding anniversary. Some of them not so simple like, feeling unmotivated and overwhelmed. And then there is just plain busy. But, I am here now and how I have missed you. Without further ado, here is the post I promised you before I left on my trip.

 

These are the vows I made to Kent Krabill on the occasion of our 25th wedding anniversary.

25 years ago we agreed to be there for each other. We agreed to be the witness to each other’s life. We promised to care about everything; even the small things, the good things, the bad things the mundane things.  Over the years we have learned things about each other that have surprised us and we have learned things about ourselves that we never dreamed possible. For example, I learned that I like basketball and you learned that you like So You Think You Can Dance.

When we got married I expected that we would love each other forever, that we would have fun together, make a family and be best of friends.  What I couldn’t have predicted were the ways in which you would evolve to become the man that I love more than I could have imagined at 18.  I love all kinds of things about you. I love the way that even when you think you are 100% right about something you still walk away and consider that you could be mistaken and I love that you shift if you learn that you were wrong. You are not afraid to say you are sorry or to ask for forgiveness and you always tell me you love me. I love that you still bring me flowers.  I love your creativity and problem solving ability. I love the way you take care of the money and how generous you are. I love that you like to go places and do things. I love your passion for people and the way you choose to do things you really don’t want to do to bless someone else. I love how excited you get about racing and basketball. I love that you want to give our kids great experiences and teach them how to live a full life. I love that you like to eat good food. I love that our kids playing music is important to you. All of these things I love about you point to your love of Jesus and your love of people that drive you to be who you are and do what you do. I love you for all of these things and a million more.

I also love the things I have learned about myself because of you. I have learned that I am stronger than I think I am. I have learned that sometimes I need to be willing to get worked up over things I believe need to change. I have learned that I am a good writer and a good speaker. I have also learned that I am adventurous just not the kind of adventurous that jumps out of planes. I am the kind of adventurous that moves half way across the country with two babies so her husband can go to law school.

Most of all I love what we have become together. I love that we are one of the most “we” couples I know. I love that the people who know us know how much we love each other. I love that young people want to be like us. I love that we made amazing beautiful smart creative crazy extroverted kids together. I love that we have family hobbies. I love that we can watch basketball and dancing and idol and Brave and Mission Impossible and love them all.

I am looking forward to our future together. I am looking forward to finding more things to love about you. I am looking forward to the things you will help me discover about myself and I am looking forward to seeing Caedmon and Rosalind become who they were always meant to be.  Mostly I am looking forward to being with you though all of it. Becoming more myself, as we become more us. Isn’t that the magic of it all? Because we are together we get to be more of who we were always meant to be.

But these are supposed to be vows where we make promises to each other about our future.
So today I promise all over again to love you and to notice all the things that happen in your life.
I promise to be your witness.
I promise that I will hold you up when you are weary; That I will hear you when you are frustrated; That I will laugh in your joy and cry in your pain.
I promise that on all our adventures you will find me right where I always am, right next to you.
I promise you that even when I discover something new about you or about myself that it will never change my commitment or love for you.

You know I won’t be perfect, and I know you won’t be either and some times our dance will struggle to find the music but know this, I will be there.
I will be the one stepping on your toes until we find the melody again. You see we have a quantum entanglement. We are an us, always.
So again I promise that I will be part you.
And I promise that you will be part me.
And I promise that I will love you always.

Tell Me More About Your Daughter.

So as you may have noticed, I have not posted since last week. This has a lot to do with the fact that my kids have both been in camp on opposite sides of town for the past week and a little bit to do with the fact that I am trying to get some things accomplished before we go on vacation (especially since there will be friends staying at the house while we are gone). Every day I have been getting up in the morning fully intending to write to all you fine people out there in the blog-o-sphere. Well today, I am happy to say I am back. I am not sure however how many posts you will see between now and when I get back from vacation on July 5th.
That said, I am really. REALLY. R E A L L Y. Super-duper ready for this particular vacation. Not only do I get to celebrate my life with Kent and what it has meant to me for the last 25 years. I get to look into the future of our life together as well. And, if that weren’t enough, I get to share the trip with my amazing parents, fabulous other parents (Kent’s Mom and Dad) and our freaking ridiculous friends.  Oh yes, and I forgot to mention I will also be celebrating my birthday while we are there too! Yes, I know what you are thinking, “This trip is going to be EPIC!” You re right my lovelies it is going to be epic.
Now on to the topic of the day…

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Here is my question for those of us with both sons and daughters, do our news feeds say more about our sons than our daughters?

I am thinking that those of us who have children of both genders, need to make sure we mention the accomplishments of our girls as well as our boys and not just on Facebook and Twitter. It seems like, in my feed anyway, the exploits and accomplishments of our boys are sometimes more frequently reported. Of course our boys’ accomplishments are important and should be shared with family and friends. And I am not saying we should start counting our posts and keeping a score sheet. I am also not claiming to be perfect. I guess I am just making an observation and thinking it is something to be aware of. Society in general already has a tendency to focus on the accomplishments of boys (especially in sports). Personally, I love keeping up with my friends and their boys but I want to hear about their strong, brave, imaginative, funny spectacular daughters too. For some of us, I think if we went to our friend’s house for a barbecue they would know exactly what to talk to our boys about but would have no clue what our girls are into.

Please hear me, I do not believe that any of my friends are intentionally sharing less about their daughters and I am sure they do not realize that it might seem that way to someone else. However, I think this is something we should be aware of when we are talking about our children to others (even on social media). Some kids in our families share more of our interests or have hobbies or sports that are easier to post about. I personally want to be careful to show both of our kids that we are proud of their accomplishments and that we look for good things to say about each of them.

Also please understand I am in no way asking you to gossip to me about your children and their most embarrassing moments or current struggles. I would just like to see your daughter’s painting or see her gnarly kick flip. I would like to know what it is about her that makes you admire her strength.

I will go first. I love my daughter’s view of life. She always looks for the good in people and situations. She likes to find ways to encourage people. She love to read, she loves to play guitar and she currently wants to be a marine biologist who trains spy dolphins. She rocks. And oh yes, she has killer comedic timing.

Your turn.

I will leave you my lovelies, with an encouragement for all of us with both daughters and sons; we need to remember:

Our girls (and boys) need to hear us praise them in public and not just for their appearance and not just on social media.
Others need to know we value our daughters as much as our sons.
Our daughters’ need to be shown not just told that their interests, accomplishments and sports are just as important as our sons’.

This will help combat the messages our girls receive all the time that they are somehow less than boys because of their parts. I want Rosalind and Caedmon to both know that we categorically reject that thinking and that we find them both to be equally amazing.