This year, Kent and I decided not to do Christmas gifts for each other since we had just spent a bunch of money doing several projects around the house. Instead, we each wrote something for the other. And now lovelies, I would like to share our words for each other with you.
From me to Kent – You make me want to:
You make me want to
Sit in the dark and stare at the stars
Go dancing late into the night
Or Drive up the coast in a rented convertible
See the scenes from far off lands
Eat fine dinners from trucks or linens
And feel the sand between my toes
One look at you and I’m off to Paris
Or stuck in a London fog
You are like the most arresting lyrics, the most beautiful picture,
the most thought provoking article.
Somehow I don’t know how to describe you but I must try
You are like a rainforest downpour
or the sprinkles in the desert on a sunny day…
You are rare and you make me want to dance
Or stop and lay in the grass and stare at the clouds
That thing I can’t describe from that violinist whose music stole my breath.
The experience of a new kind of delicious taste or sound or feeling that I have never experienced before.
You are exhilarating like a walk in San Francisco or New York City
You are calming like dinner on the beach at sunset
Like a dream I wish I could fall back into even though I can’t remember exactly what happened
when I can still remember the feeling and I want that same lightning to flash again;
Like the first time you kissed me
Like the way that you need me
Like the sound of your voice when you say my name
The way my food is better and my laugh is longer and my faith is stronger because you exist
The way Nate Ruess sings even better when you stand beside me.
Songs and singers ring truer because they sing about you and I even though they don’t know our names.
The way you are exactly the same yet nothing like the man I married.
You are somehow more, much more than the sum of your parts and your years and my memories and the present moment.
I like that together we are much more than all of me + all of you
My happiest place on earth
My Disney World and my swim up in Puerto Vallarta.
My Vegas and my rural Ohio
My Newport Beach and my Washington DC
My trip to Europe and my Hawaiian vacation
My hometown and my favorite getaway
You are the part of me that is good at basketball and hates coconut
You are the part of me that does the things I never could
That part that makes me more than I knew I could be
I love that because of you I have become more me and because of me you have become more you.
How when I look at you, I see it all
Everything we have ever done and all that makes us who we are, heartbreaking, ecstatic, melancholy, joyful, mundane, content,
boring and spectacular…
It is somehow all more real,
This life, my life because I found you.
I love how even at the end of all this I still struggle to find the right words that will say it all but I can’t find them.
You cannot be contained in mere words; you who are made of stardust.
You are simply too majestic for that.
From Kent to me – How long have I known you?
How long have I known you?
How long have you stayed?
How long have I annoyed you?
How much have you paid?
For my heartache, my selfishness, my pain and my pride?
No matter the words, no matter the deeds
No matter the hurts, no matter the pleas
You stayed by my side
What makes you love so?
What makes you see?
What makes you so sure?
That there’s beauty beneath?
All of the layers
All of this junk
All of this pain
Everything, so .. fucked .. up
About my mind
About my words
About my heart
This glimmer of beauty
That you see beneath
I hear it too
Screaming to be released
I am in here
I really am
Is there anyone who hears me?
Anyone to understand?
In that moment when all seems lost
When no one answers
And no one is willing to pay the cost
When all any one sees
Is the ugliness and pride
You look down deep in my heart
I mean way, way down inside
And you see
You see all the guts and intestines and muscles and blood
You see cancerous cells obstructing the path
But you see past it all
You see way down inside
And you pull out the best of me
As I writhe in pain
As I fight you because it hurts; it hurts; it hurts so deeply
Sometimes it’s impossible to believe
That someone could love me so, deeply; so completely
As they see the infected flesh
As they smell the rancid guts
As they endure the waging war
And yet you do
You reach right in
You pull the goodness out into the light
You don’t ignore my pain; you feel it with me
You endure the sting of my decaying flesh, with me
You don’t ignore the putridness, you smell it, too
But you persist
You never shrink back
You never give up
You stand, and love
You wage a war
And then, my beauty arises
Even love unfolds
And there I stand
Here, I stand
Who am I?
How did I get here?
I am now a man
Perfect? Oh no.
Better? Oh yes.
Only you know the real me
Only you have endured
Only you have really believed
Only you are a part of me
Only you have truly loved me
Just as I am
I am yours
All of me
Just as I am
You have loved me
You saved me
You made me believe
You are saving me
I will always be yours
And now my new year’s wish for all of you…
I hope your holidays were beautiful and that your new year brings you joy unspeakable.
I hope you find someone who learns the words to your sad and your happy songs and then sings with you.
I pray you will know the all surpassing love of Jesus.
I trust that you will learn new things, spread joy and practice deliberate acts of kindness.
And in the end I pray that 2014 leaves you a better version of yourself…
Happier, healthier, more generous, more satisfied, more humble, more thankful, more joyful than ever before.
Thank you for sticking with me through another year. I am honored.